18th April 2007

If you have any funny stories that you would like to submit please put them in the comments section and I will post the best ones.


A guy is sitting at the bar and a beautiful woman walks in and sits on the bar stool beside him. As soon as she sits down her glass eye falls out, the man catches it and gives it back to her. They talk for a while and have a few drinks, then the woman says to him "would you like to come back to my place for a nightcap". The guy says "well I didn't expect this to happen" and the girl says...... "well it's just that ...you caught my eye as soon as I walked in".

An Irishman goes into a bar on a Friday night and orders 4 pints of Guinness. He drinks the 4 pints one after the other and then orders 4 more. Then the next Friday night he comes in to the bar and does the same thing again. The barman says to him " if you like them cold would you not be better off ordering 1 pint at a time " 'No, says the man " you don't understand, you see, I have three brothers one lives in Australia, one lives in South Africa, and one lives in America. We promised each other that every Friday night we would have a drink together so right now my three brothers are having a drink with me.
So that's it... thought the barman that's a nice idea.
The next week the man comes into the bar but only orders 3 pints of Guinness. The barman gets them for him and says "I'm terrible sorry but I was just wondering, has one of your brothers died or something " "Oh no says the man they are all fine it's just that .....I decided to give up the drink me self.



I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars..... The rest I just squandered.
George Best.


A boy is getting ready to go out on his first date and he's a bit nervous so he decides to ask his dad for some advice.
His dad tells him 'Son there are three subjects that always work well, food, family, and philosophy. The boy and his girl are out at the local cafe sipping their coke's and the boy is feeling really nervous and wondering what to talk about. Then he remembers his fathers advice and asks the girl .....'Do you like broccoli ?. No reply's the girl and it goes quiet again. After a few more quiet, uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his fathers second suggestion and he asks the girl..... ' Do you have a brother?. Once again the girl reply's 'No, and the silence returns. The boy then decides to play his last card and asks the girl...... 'If you did have a brother do you think he would like broccoli ?.

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
' I want you to eat for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the Irishman returned he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 30 pounds.
' Why that's amazing' said the doctor, did you follow my instructions?
The Irishman nodded ' I'll tell you though, by jaesus, I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat
3rd day'.
'From hunger you mean?' said the doctor.
'No, from all dat f**kin skippin' said the Irishman.




A group of Kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle that they faced was that the teacher insisted on 'NO, baby talk. You need to use 'Big People' words she used to remind them.

So she asked Paul what he had done over the weekend!
'I went to visit my Nana' he said!
'No', you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER she said!

Then she asked Rachel what she had done over the weekend!
'I went for a ride on a choo choo' she said!
The teacher said 'NO, you went for a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words.

She then asked Alan what he did!
'I read a book' he replied!
'That's WONDERFUL said the teacher. What book did you read?
Alan thought really hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said.........
' Winnie the SHIT '


Q. What have David Beckham and Ferrero Rocher chocolates got in common?
A. They both come in Posh boxes.


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Quote of the day 1: I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of which has always seemed to me the most civilised music in the world.
Peter Ustinov

A man kills a deer and takes it home and cooks it for his family dinner. He doesn't tell the children what it is, but tells them that he'll give them a clue: It's what Mummy calls Daddy sometimes. His little girl cries out......Don't eat it....... it's a fucking asshole!!!!!

Q : How can you tell when a man is well hung ?
A : When you can just about silp your finger in between

his neck and the noose.

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I have an unfortunate announcement. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm fed up drinking that chardonnay."

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
















Quote of the day 2:
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
Rodney Dangerfield.

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