Wednesday, March 4, 2009

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Wednesday, May 2, 2007

The Postman May 2nd 2007

A postman was working his last day on the job after 40 years delivering the post to the same neighborhood through all kinds of weather year in year out.

When he arrived at the first house on his route the couple were there to greet him and presented him with a lovely 'thank you' card and a $100 bill inside.

At the next house they presented him with an expensive bottle of Champagne and some expensive cigars.

At the third house they gave him an expensive 20 year old bottle of Scotch Whiskey.

At the fourth house he was greeted by a stunning blond in her lingerie. She took him by the hand and brought him upstairs and made mad passionate love to him like he had never experienced before.
When they were finished she made him a wonderful breakfast with all the trimmings and then she poured him a hot cup of freshly made coffee. As he drank the coffee he noticed a $10 bill sitting under his coffee cup. "Whats this for" he asked.

"Well" said the blond, "last night I told my husband that today would be your last day delivering our post after 40 years, and I thought that we should do something special for you, and I asked him what should I do.
My husband said "F*ck him".........."Give him ten dollars"....... but the breakfast was my idea.

Friday, April 27, 2007

What's up..... 25th April 07

I've had very few hits on this blog and I'm wondering whats up. Being new to the whole blog thing I started to look at other blogs and I'm thinking that maybe I'm not doing it right. Most of the blogs that I've looked at are about the bloggers thoughts or views on everyday subjects or about their daily experiences. I've also noticed that a lot of blogs just talk about blogging. What I'm aiming at is to give people a laugh share a few jokes, I mean, you just can't beat a good laugh.
If you would like to submit a joke or a funny story please do and I will post them on the blog. If you have any comments they would be welcome, good or bad.
I'm heading off to the Philippines for a few weeks next month so I hope to have some interesting and hopefully funny stories to share with you from the trip.
Talk to you soon.......

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

18th April 2007

If you have any funny stories that you would like to submit please put them in the comments section and I will post the best ones.

A guy is sitting at the bar and a beautiful woman walks in and sits on the bar stool beside him. As soon as she sits down her glass eye falls out, the man catches it and gives it back to her. They talk for a while and have a few drinks, then the woman says to him "would you like to come back to my place for a nightcap". The guy says "well I didn't expect this to happen" and the girl says...... "well it's just that caught my eye as soon as I walked in".

An Irishman goes into a bar on a Friday night and orders 4 pints of Guinness. He drinks the 4 pints one after the other and then orders 4 more. Then the next Friday night he comes in to the bar and does the same thing again. The barman says to him " if you like them cold would you not be better off ordering 1 pint at a time " 'No, says the man " you don't understand, you see, I have three brothers one lives in Australia, one lives in South Africa, and one lives in America. We promised each other that every Friday night we would have a drink together so right now my three brothers are having a drink with me.
So that's it... thought the barman that's a nice idea.
The next week the man comes into the bar but only orders 3 pints of Guinness. The barman gets them for him and says "I'm terrible sorry but I was just wondering, has one of your brothers died or something " "Oh no says the man they are all fine it's just that .....I decided to give up the drink me self.

I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars..... The rest I just squandered.
George Best.

A boy is getting ready to go out on his first date and he's a bit nervous so he decides to ask his dad for some advice.
His dad tells him 'Son there are three subjects that always work well, food, family, and philosophy. The boy and his girl are out at the local cafe sipping their coke's and the boy is feeling really nervous and wondering what to talk about. Then he remembers his fathers advice and asks the girl .....'Do you like broccoli ?. No reply's the girl and it goes quiet again. After a few more quiet, uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his fathers second suggestion and he asks the girl..... ' Do you have a brother?. Once again the girl reply's 'No, and the silence returns. The boy then decides to play his last card and asks the girl...... 'If you did have a brother do you think he would like broccoli ?.

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
' I want you to eat for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the Irishman returned he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 30 pounds.
' Why that's amazing' said the doctor, did you follow my instructions?
The Irishman nodded ' I'll tell you though, by jaesus, I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat
3rd day'.
'From hunger you mean?' said the doctor.
'No, from all dat f**kin skippin' said the Irishman.

A group of Kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle that they faced was that the teacher insisted on 'NO, baby talk. You need to use 'Big People' words she used to remind them.

So she asked Paul what he had done over the weekend!
'I went to visit my Nana' he said!
'No', you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER she said!

Then she asked Rachel what she had done over the weekend!
'I went for a ride on a choo choo' she said!
The teacher said 'NO, you went for a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words.

She then asked Alan what he did!
'I read a book' he replied!
'That's WONDERFUL said the teacher. What book did you read?
Alan thought really hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said.........
' Winnie the SHIT '

Q. What have David Beckham and Ferrero Rocher chocolates got in common?
A. They both come in Posh boxes.

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Quote of the day 1: I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of which has always seemed to me the most civilised music in the world.
Peter Ustinov

A man kills a deer and takes it home and cooks it for his family dinner. He doesn't tell the children what it is, but tells them that he'll give them a clue: It's what Mummy calls Daddy sometimes. His little girl cries out......Don't eat it....... it's a fucking asshole!!!!!

Q : How can you tell when a man is well hung ?
A : When you can just about silp your finger in between

his neck and the noose.

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I have an unfortunate announcement. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm fed up drinking that chardonnay."

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Quote of the day 2:
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
Rodney Dangerfield.

Back Soon........

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Many years ago an Irish TV company ran a programme where they would invite school children to come into the studio. Each week they would invite children from a different school and the presenter would talk to them about their school, their teachers, their family, and so on. Some kids would then, tell a story, recite a poem, or sing a song, or perform a dance, or play a musical instrument etc.
One week a young boy was telling a story to the presenter, it was about something that happened on the way home from school. He said that he was walking home from school and he saw a crowd of people gathered at the side of the road, so he went over to see what was going on. They were looking at a horse that was badly injured after falling into a large hole. The vet had been sent for and it didn’t look good, in fact the vet had to put the horse down. The presenter then asked the boy “ did the vet shoot the horse in the hole” no said the boy..... he shot him in the head.

Quote of the Day: From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
Groucho Marx.

One day all the braves in an Indian tribe were sitting around talking. One of them was saying that he couldn’t understand how the chief decided what name each of them would be called when they were born into the tribe. Then one of the other braves said to him, the chief is sitting outside his tepee on the hill why don’t you go up and ask him. So up he went and sat down beside the chief and said “Tell me chief, when a child is born into the tribe how do you decide on what name this child will be called”.

The chief said “If I am sitting outside my tepee and I see a bear running across the prairie and a child is born into the tribe that day I will call this child Running Bear”

“Or if I am sitting outside my tepee and I see a horse running, jumping and kicking on the prairie and a child is born into the tribe that day I will call this child Crazy Horse”

“Or if I am sitting outside my tepee and I see an eagle flying over the prairie and a child is born into the tribe that day I will call this child Flying Eagle”

Then the chief turns to the brave and says “but tell me why do you ask me this question........Two Dogs F***ing”

Quote of the Day 2:
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them....... well, I have others.
Groucho Marx.

A duck waddles into a bar and hops up on the bar stool.
The barman comes over and the duck says " Have you any bread "
" No " says the barman " I've no bread"
The duck hops down off the bar stool and waddles out of the bar.
10 minutes later the duck waddles back into the bar and hops up on the bar stool.
The barman comes over and the duck says " Have you any bread"
" No " says the barman "I've told you already I have no bread"
The duck hops down off the bar stool and waddles out of the bar.
10 minutes later the duck waddles back into the bar and hops up on the bar stool.
The barman comes over (getting angry at this stage) and the duck says " Have you any bread"
" No " says the barman "I've told you twice already I have no bread and if you come back in here again and ask me that question I'll nail your f***ing beak to the bar.
The duck hops down off the bar stool and waddles out of the bar.
10 minutes later the duck waddles back into the bar and hops up on the bar stool.
The barman comes over, fuming and red with rage and the duck says ....." Have you any nails "

Quote of the Day 3:
There is no such thing as bad weather....... Just wrong clothes.
Billy Connolly

Back soon...........